took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Randomize
