i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
