and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
