i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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