I looked at my own cervix.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
