I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i love accidental penises.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
