i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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