I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
