he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
