I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
