If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
