I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Your cock deserves a montage
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
