I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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