Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
