I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
