my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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