my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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