Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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