Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
