Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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