He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
