he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
