I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
