Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I have already put on my inside pants.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
