Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
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