Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
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