Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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