So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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