apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
