I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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