why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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