Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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