I didn't shave. On purpose
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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