stop calling my apartment porn island.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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