so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
