This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
