This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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