By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
