Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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