whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
