I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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