Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize