hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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