yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
