I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You are the jesus of drinking
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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