I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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