Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
