my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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