My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
