they need to just BURY HIM!
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
