You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
