In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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