but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize