Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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