you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
