9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
