do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
