She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dignity is for republicans.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize