I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
