Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There's always time for handjobs
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
