you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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