Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
