@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
