the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
