I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
my shit smells like andre
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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