Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
