there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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